The 7th annual Spank Bank Awards proudly presented by IAFD.com were held LIVE over the weekend from their traditional locale of the lavishly furnished man cave in the palatial estate of Spank Bank Awards founder Gabriel Lan in the suburbs of warm, sunny Nowhere Special, USA. Once again, there was a record number of pornstars receiving a record number of nominations for awards they all truly deserve. Porn. The only ‘sport’ where every participant deserves an award, or at the very least, some sort of accolades and recognition.
As is also now traditional, a copious amount of previously unannounced Technical Category awards was handed out during the pre-show in the red carpet / patio / deck area earlier in the evening before it was time for the main event.
Gabriel Lan opened the festivities by welcoming everyone in attendance, singling out his date for the evening, the beautiful Lisey Sweet before introducing the lovely, talented, and outright hilarious Missy Martinez, who took over hosting duties this year, and has subsequently been given the job for as long as she likes. After roasting both herself and virtually everyone in attendance in her opening monologue with her own unique brand of humor, Missy got right to business, calling for awards show trophy girl Charlotte Sartre to bring out the first three awards. Fellow trophy girl Ryan Riesling promptly stuffed a trophy into each of Charlotte’s orifices and she them all carried to the podium with ease, along with a fourth trophy which she carried by hand just for good measure. Showing off her own multitasking and supreme ho holes abilities, Ms. Martinez later brought five awards to the stage at once, adopting the same one trophy per orifice method while carrying one trophy in each hand.
Follow the announcement of the show’s final award of the night (the Dirty Little Slut of the Year), Missy invited everyone in the backyard. Once there, Missy got onto all fours so Charlotte could light and shoot fireworks out of her ass while Ryan fed her mozzarella cheese sticks to kick off the after show awards party.
Ninety plus Major Category award winners, filled with some expected wins and a few surprises (along with who knows what else) continued to build until the time came for the awarding of the “unholy trinity” of porn awards: Sexiest Woman Alive, Most Spanked To Girl of the Year, and the Dirty Little Slut of the Year to close out the show. So, without further ado, here is the list of this year’s winners:
*Note: Spank Bank Awards are voted on by a panel of porn critics (me), noted adult film connoisseurs (me), outside adult industry media insiders (me), x-rated film fans (also me), and a committee chairman (you guessed it: me). Nominees who entice or influence the panel with any form of ‘sweet talking’, ‘sexual innuendo’, ‘buttering up’, or outright eluding to sexual favors greatly increase their chances of winning.*