For years a couple of low level agents and bloggers have accused Mark Spiegler of buying his AVN awards. Part of my job as Spiegler’s henchman blogger is to refute those outlandish rumors… Today, I’d like to apologize for that, as I was wrong…This morning I was told by a source who used to help Mike South, that in a fit of rage, Mark purchased the whole award show.. Not only that, but he’s rescheduled AVN2017 to April 10th thru the 18th. The rescheduled awards won’t be held in Vegas either, the new location is the pool house at Spieglers apts.. I’m told only reputable news people like myself and Peter Warren will be allowed to cover it. One good thing that comes of this new AVN, is its all done by fan voting. The fans will decide each and every category.
Below is a new list of nominees:
Female Performer Of the Year
Abella Danger
AJ Applegate
Male Performer of the Year
Alaska The Cat
George
Best Girl/Girl Sex Scene
That Scene Where Abella Danger Fucked That Girl
That Scene Where Jenna Sativa Licked A Vagina
Best Actor Unisex
Dana De Armond For The Day She Was Nice On Twitter
Mark Spiegler For Pretending to Care When Abella Danger Moved
Best Oral Sex Scene
That Scene Where Melissa Moore Blew That Black Guy
That Scene Where Casey Calvert Blew That Jewish Guy
Best Star Showcase
The Abella X alleged compilation that really took months to shoot and really isn’t a compilation but a rumor started by a jealous agent who shall remain nameless because I don’t want to be challenged to a duel at 10 paces.
Best New Starlet
Asa Akira
Dana Vespoli
Best Polyamory Movie
No nominees since know one knows what Polyamory means
MILF Performer of the Year
Riley Reid
Lily LaBeau
Female Foreign Performer of the Year
Abella Danger
Chanel Preston
Most Outrageous Sex Scene
Has to be a secret as it’s so outrageous the girls would go to jail
Best Gonzo Movie
Karlee Greys Iphone
Some of the newer categories Spiegler has added:
Hottest Black Chick In Porn
Kira Noir
Carter Cruise
Hottest Asian Accent
Marica Hase
Dahlia Sky
Best DJ Who Also Has A Jewelry Line
Jessie Andrews
Maddy O’Reilly
Greatest Porn Agent Who Never Buys Awards
Mark Spiegler
I asked Spiegler why he decided to buy the AVN Awards and reschedule them for Passover?
“I was tired of the voting being a secret. The new award system gives fans better choices and makes it easier for them to Vote. They simply have to go to SpieglerGirls.com, and click on the girl they wanna vote for. It’s that simple. I hired a bunch of Asian kids to create a sophisticated vote counter that is top of line. Fans can rest assured their vote WILL count. No electoral college here, the Spiegler controlled AVNs believe in the popular vote.”
“Rescheduling them for Passover was a no brainer, everyone was already coming over for my jew parties, having AVN at the same time down by the pool really adds to ambience of Passover”
Mark also told me he thinks his girls chances of winning at the new AVNs are pretty good. When I asked how good, he put me in touch with Dr. Fuji, the world renowned mathematician Mike South used when he said he was “95% sure Billy Glide died from a snakebite”
Dr. Fugi told me Spiegler girls had a 92.990302223% chance of winning almost every voting category…
I like those odds………
I hope the dinner will be corned beef sandwiches. If he is serving gefilte fish i’m going to pass. Also, can Miss Calvert help me with my sunscreen? I only come out of my mom’s basement 2-3 times per year and i would hate to burn while at the pool.
Dude you are fucking hilarious! Kudos for doing what you do
Spiegler needs to add an award for this post 🙂 that’s some funny shit man