When the word came out about a million dollar insurance policy for a penis, I laughed. What a great hype story for AVN. Come to Vegas and see the penis worth a million bucks. Not since Jon Holmes’s $545,000 penis has the world seen a penis with its own tax bracket.
Yes, John had his dick appraised by Yap Duk Qwan who owned a fine jewelry shop. And before you scream out racism Yap was Jewish. While I was reading the AHF stolen emails it hit me. There’s treachery afoot.
Why would Brazzers insure this penis but not insure some of the more popular vaginas? Using my top secret group of international hackers known as MTSGIH…don’t waste your time you will never figure out what it stands for…and what we uncovered will blow you away.
There have been so many threats on Keirans penis. it has it’s own security team. On set, they watch from secret places with high powered rifles ready to pop a cap in someone if too many teeth show during a blowjob scene. Could you imagine the uncut footage that would provide? Dana DeArmond gets a little aggressive and BAM her head explodes…what sum might call- A Double Head Shot.
A million dollar penis? Why a million? Is this penis in danger? The rumors are everywhere but I may be the only one with the truth. Some have said his penis contains a secret compartment that contains some of the worlds most sensitive secrets and his girlfriend Kirsten Price is actually a fembot hired to break open his penis with overly aggressive sexual acts.
While at AVN I investigated this theory but after talking with several people who have touched her boobs they all said they were sure her Jugglies contained no weapons.
Obama hiring a hit squad to shoot the penis from a grassy knoll might not be true. Of course we all know Obama hates anyone with a bigger penis, but he hasn’t stood up to Iran yet so we don’t think he has the balls to actually start eliminating penises.
ICann was rumored to be looking at acquiring his penis by any means necessary. Apparently there is money in dot keiranspenis. Teaming with DotXxx, there’s no telling what they would do.
Al-Qaeda was interested in taking his penis, hiding c-4 in it then reattaching it to his body so it would blow up while inside of some unsuspecting non insured vagina. This theory has merit since at the time of this writing there are presently 2,435,328 Muslims in medical school. Anyone of them could be the guy who’s job it is to seduce Keiran, drug him, remove his penis, put explosives in it then sew it back on before he wakes.
To truly understand the motivation behind the penis policy, you have to read the policy. The fine print is key. Sure, the “this penis is insured from fire” is standard and boring. But on line 198 it says his penis is insured in the case of accidental overdose. Does this mean his penis has a drug problem? Does this mean while Keiran is home with his girlfriend his penis is getting “Blowed”? or mainlining some black tar heroin? Does his penis have weight issues and a addiction to diet pills? Hmmmm. Got you wondering huh?
Line 233 is better, the insures will be paid in full if “the penis suffers scaring or burns. What, a burnt penis? I reached out to my inside guy at brazzers who tells me Keiran’s penis ran into a burning building last year to save a hot chick.
Before you say what a great guy, the penis left a old women behind who suffered the humiliation of being turned down by a penis. This travesty is still working its way thru the courts but I’m told Brazzers has offered the old lady $250 bucks, a contract for one year and she only shoots with Keiran.
Line 286, “the insures will be paid in full if penis is injured or killed in a auto accident”. Yea, turns out that after the fast and furious came out, keiran’s penis started street racing, I found a quote from his penis in a racing mag “I live my life 8 seconds at a time.” The street racing time was cut short after the penis was linked to the royal family and had to go into hiding. Which is right around the time Keiran’s penis showed up in the USA.
While the policy has clues that may lead in the right direction, I knew I had to dig deeper, the million dollar penis could be in danger…Enter Manwin.
After Manwin purchased DP, my people told me a Hollywood producer jumped on board to get into the softcore market. This guy goes by the name of Les Grossman, a diet coke addicted dance fanatic who says Asia is his territory. Interestingly enough his signature also appears on the insurance policy as a beneficiary, that coupled with Grossman’s Asian connection, Manwins new Asian porn deal, and Keiran’s penis being booked for a Asian tour come March has me thinking the penis is in danger.
Yesterday I sat down with Les in regards to Keiran’s penis..
TRPWL- I heard you have Keiran’s penis booked for Asia in March, is that true?
Les-Yea Fuck face its true
TRPWL- Your not worried about something happening to his penis while hes there?
Les-Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy. So why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass…
TRPWL- Just answer my questions and ill leave, ok?
Les-Who would mess with his penis?
TRPWL- Have you ever thought maybe a drug cartel, or terrorists?
Les-We don’t negotiate with terrorists.
TRPWL- So if the terrorists who took Keirans penis called and asked you for 1 million to get it back would you wouldn’t pay? what would you tell them?
Les- Id say I got a better idea. Instead of the one million, how about I send you a hobo’s dick cheese? Then, you kill him. Do your thing, skin the fucking bastard. Go to town, man. Go to town! In the mean time and as usual, go fuck yourself.
TRPWL- Les pretty fucking selfish, what would you do if something happened to Keiran’s penis?
Les-We would weep for the penis… in the press, set up a scholarship in his name, eventually – and I’m talkin’ way, way down the road – we file an insurance claim.
TRPWL- Its almost like you know something is gonna happen to Keirans penis in march. Do you?
Les-Keirans penis is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That’s physics. It’s inevitable.
TRPWL- And you want me to sit by and watch this all go down? Im not, When i get back to Texas im gonna let the world know.
Les-whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think again! Otherwise I’m Ill head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I’m talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
It got worse after this, talks of lots of money and G5 airplanes. I’m sure I’m taking my life into my hands by printing this, but I wanna be remembered for good the things. I took the Whiteacre oath to protect porn from enemies both foreign and domestic. I can not sit by and watch as the million dollar penis is seen as nothing more then a paycheck for criminals. All penises have rights.