Chibuihem Amalaha, a post-graduate student at the University of Lago in Nigeria, has finally discovered a way to incontrovertibly prove that gay marriage is wrong, using a variety of very scientific techniques.

For instance, magnets!

“To start with, physics is one of the most fundamentals of all the sciences and  I used two bar magnets in my research. A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man. If you bring two South Poles together you find that the two South Poles will not attract indicating that same sex marriage should not hold. A female should not attract a female as South Pole of a magnet does not attract the South Pole of a magnet. But, when you bring a North Pole of a magnet and a South Pole of a magnet they will attract because they are not the same, indicating that a man will attract a woman because of the way nature has made a female. Even in physics when you study what is called electrostatics, you found that when you rub particles together they don’t attract each other but when you rub particle in another medium they will attract each other. For example, if you use your biro and rub it on your hair, after rubbing, try to  bring small pieces of paper they will attract because one is charged while the other one is not charged. But if both of them are charged they don’t attract, which means that man cannot attract another man because they are the same, and a woman should not attract a woman because they are the same. That is how I used physics to prove gay marriage wrong.”

This theory was first notably posited by Paula Abdul and MC Skat Cat in their scientific treatise, “Opposites Attract.”

Amahala states that no one has found any problems with his findings, and that he someday hopes to win a Nobel prize for his work on both this theory and his theory that watching television in the dark is bad for your eyes.

It should be noted that Nigeria has an absolutely horrific record on LGBT rights. Not only are same sex relations illegal, but the punishment for them in several states is death by stoning. In other, more lenient states, the punishment is jail time and whippings.

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