According to Gawker and PornHub, people don’t jerk off on major holidays. Using PornHub analytics, to determine that rates of jacking off are lower on major holidays, they go as far as to suggest that people only jack off on non federal holidays.. What they don’t take into account is the hot cousin factor. The cousin that’s not really your cousin who you only see on major holidays. With that hot cousin around, you don’t need PornHub’s bought and paid for (free) porn..

My crack research team did its own research. Using holiday exit polling we determined that in the states of Kentucky, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and West Virginia, masturbation was actually up 31%. Our sample was mostly rural and has a margin of error of 3.4%.. We were able to sample poll in every state except California were you can only masturbate while wearing a condom and that’s only after paying the masturbation tax of .00331 per sperm..

Local Californian Peter North told my news team “I haven’t jacked off in 7 years” he went on to say “jacking off to porn or my cousin is no longer in my budget”

Overall, our research determined people still jacked off at an alarming rate on all holidays whether the post office is open or closed, they just have to go really fast or risk getting caught by granny. Imagine the horror of rubbing one out while watching bought and paid for (free) porn and Grandpa Willie barges in right in the middle of your vinegar strokes only to say he’s next.

People often tell me I ignore the negative news… well, below is the gawker story. TRPWL doesn’t in any way endorse these lies…

Nothing deters watching porn more than the birth of Christ or the death of a terrorist. According to PornHub’s page view analysis, people watch far less porn on major holidays—Christmas and Thanksgiving, especially—and on days in which major news events took place—jerking off was way down the day Osama Bin Laden was killed, for example.

On Christmas Eve, worldwide porn watching was down in every country, for an average decline of 22%, except for in Japan, where numbers held steady.

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