So here’s the messed up story that began many years ago: A doctor named Sharon Irons was having an affair with a Chicago family physician named Richard Phillips. Apparently, they never had sexual intercourse, but she would perform oral sex on him. Well, after Phillips ejaculated in Irons’ mouth one night, she decided to store the semen in her cheeks and then spit it into a test tube. She later used the semen to impregnate herself.

Two years later, Irons filed a paternity lawsuit against Phillips, and the DNA test confirmed he is the father of her child. Subsequently, Phillips was ordered to pay $800 a month in child support. He claimed that she stole his sperm, but the court rejected that stance, saying his sperm was given to her as a “gift,” “an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee,” according to the court decision. Therefore, the sperm was hers to keep. The judge even added, “There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request.”

All of this is sad, hilarious, and low-down all at the same time. But here’s where the joke ends: There’s a child out there who was brought into the world in a cloud of malice and betrayal.

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