I am a 24-year-old woman and my boyfriend of six months is 22. He told me he was sexually abused until he was 11. He watches pornography of women with breasts and a penis masturbating, and often refers to men coming on to him when he is out. Does the porn suggest he is gay, or is it a product of his sexual abuse? Or is it completely unrelated?

A person’s sexuality starts to develop early on. It eventually comprises all experiences of sex (both positive and negative), along with the messages received about sexuality (for example from parents, teachers, friends and the media), cultural and religious beliefs, and innate physicality and psychological makeup.

Watching images of people with male and female physical attributes may well have a deep meaning (the notion of the “phallic mother” is psychologically profound), and it is possible that, since perpetrators do influence their victims’ sexual makeup, there may be a connection between your boyfriend’s preferred images and his abuse. Then again, he may just find such images erotic. You could ask how he feels about the male attention – perhaps it actually frightens him.

Although I can understand why you feel troubled by all this, you don’t have to analyze him. How would it help to know the exact meaning of his preferred fantasy material? Isn’t it far more important to enjoy the time you spend together, and only concern yourself with how he behaves towards you? That’s what really counts.

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