Get ready for your brains to be blown out of your mindskulls, because I have an announcement. And this is no bullshit, retard asshole Peter Warren announcement, this is real shit.
Strap on your seatbelts and fasten your safety helmets, because what I am about to tell you is going to absolutely change your life and most likely the world forever.
I know all of you people in this industry are sick and tired of being sick and tired, and you’ve had it up to your pieholes with all these maniacs telling you that you should do this and you should do that, and making you feel like dejected pieces of shit because you don’t know who to listen to.
Well I’m here to tell you right now that it’s not those maniacs you should listen to, it’s me, Peter Warren, because with me as your leader, you will feel like dejected pieces of shit no longer!
Today, porn friends—and I’m only talking about the REAL porn people here, the ones born and bred in United States of Fucking America, not any of you commie faggots from Austria or Canada—you will all band together under my rule and this terrorism will end!
Today you will be freed from the shackles of your oppression and you will rise up to conquer all these dickfaces trying to steer you astray! For today, I triumphantly unveil to you the American Syndicate for the Sexual Health of Adult Talent (ASSHAT).
I am not jerking you around here, people. This is legitimatized. ASSHAT is a full-throttle, nuclear-powered war tank about to roll over Porn Valley like a monster truck, leaving everything in its path decimated.
I have registered ASSHAT.org, and there you will see my master plan for how I will pull you all up out of the ruins of this monster war truck and guide you by the hand to a new utopia where there are no more dickfaces and commie assfuckers standing in your way.
Now, you probably are wondering why you’re not seeing anything at ASSHAT.org, but that’s because I got my web guy, Roy Karch, putting it together, and he said it’s going to be up any day now. And believe me, when you see it you are probably going to spontaneously combust, because that’s how much hellfire it’s going to spawn.
So look forward to that, and in the meantime, I can tell you this much: ASSHAT fully supports the use of condoms in all adult productions, because get your heads out of your fucking asses, people, that is the ONLY viable safety method there is, and you know it. (As a disclaimer, though, in the event that Measure B gets overturned, we will go back to being just fine with no condoms.)
You have now received your charge, my porn brethren (of pure American blood only). Reach deep down inside and ask yourself, do I want to be a part of the biggest revolution since Newton discovered gravity?
Do I want to be a founding father of the new U.S. of Porn? Do I want to join ASSHAT? And think carefully, because if your answer is “no,” you’re a fucking commie asshole terrorist and I will destroy you.
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