Six unexpected consequences of the porn filter

David Cameron is introducing a new law to make households have to opt in to access adult content on the internet.

His idea is to make it harder for children to access pornography. Because heaven knows, if there’s one thing adults have over today’s children, it’s a rudimentary grasp of IT.
On the other hand, we can look also forward some side effects to his new rules. Here are a few.

1) The end of the ‘Boomerang’ trend

Young people around Britain, finding themselves with a worthless degree, no job and plenty of debt, have taken to moving back in with their parents. The trend has spawned some irritating new words like ‘kippers’ and ‘boomerang children’, but also some hard-hitting lifestyle features.
The attractions are obvious. Free food, free laundry, unlimited free wifi, 24-7. Ah yes. Cameron has suggested that couples will have to have a “conversation” about turning the filter off. But how about having that conversation with your mother?

2) A rise in other dodgy activities, to create a front for ‘innocent’ porn browsing

Cameron’s harmful content filter will include nasties other than porn. Yet for the average British middle class, middle aged man, nothing is as embarrassing to talk about than sex. Expect a rise in weirder requests to cover the more mundane.
‘Darling, that stupid filter isn’t letting me get at my snuff videos.’
‘Darling, I want to cyber-bully some children.’
‘Darling, I want to buy a gun.’

3) The return of ‘old Soho’

Talk to any alcoholic Londoner of a certain age for long enough and they will start banging on about ‘Old Soho’, a mythical and probably fictitious place where it was impossible to walk ten yards without falling down some stairs into Jeffrey Bernard.

This sordid Shangri La was built on a foundation of skin mags and 20p peep shows. Now that these men will be deprived of fibreoptic release, will we see a return of Soho’s flesh business? Quite apart from anything else, it would be satisfying to see some of those no-reservation sharing plate smuggeries be forced to turn back into second-rate strippies.

4) New life for pubs

Before the days of reliable home broadband, a friend used to go to the pub at the end of the road to avail himself of theirs. He would sit in a corner, nursing a half-pint of ale while his half-closed laptop quietly streamed his needs. Then he would return home, happy and sober, to go about his business.
Pubs are shutting at an alarming rate – the porn ban could be just the shot in the arm they need.

5) A rise in specialist networks

The “conversation” is something adult couples will not want to have, which means they will put a price on not having it. How much will diffident spouses pay for a service that discreetly circumvents the need? A tenner? £1,000? Expect canny entrepreneurs to set up localised ‘open’ networks and charge handsomely for it.
In the olden days every school had a “Porn King”. Now every neighbourhood will, too: perhaps operating out of an unmarked van like FBI agents in films. Or they could hide in plain sight: it would be a sure revenue-booster for Ocado.

6) The saving of marriage

There is an alternative view: that our Prime Minister, horrified by the ongoing destruction of traditional Christian marriage, has hit upon the perfect solution. After 1,000 days of patiently celibate non-confrontation of “the internet issue”, husbands and wives will glance up over the marmalade. “Well, darling, I suppose we could always.”

“What?”
“You know. Like we used to.”
“Oh right.”
“Yes.”
“Gosh.”
“Golly.”
“But I suppose we could.”

It will be deeply romantic, like a 21st century David Lean film. Brief Encounter 2: Another Brief Encounter, perhaps. Brief Encounter 2: Briefer Still. Briefs Encounter. Briefer Encounter.
We always knew that good manners would save us. We just didn’t know how.

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