The Duke University student and adult performer opines about consent, slut-shaming and feminism at xoJane —
Life is neither black nor white when it comes to sex.
We play around with roles and identities while we are working out issues that are long buried in our subconscious. I’m an ambitious young woman.I’m a student at Duke. I’m a slut who needs to be punished.
Can you guess which one of those is a role?
Ever since I was a child, I’ve had some masochistic tendencies. When I was a young girl and my friend and I would play house, I would ask her to lock me in her dog cage. I was not fully aware of it, but it physically and mentally aroused me. I didn’t know why, but I liked it. Suddenly, I found myself in an entirely different role. I felt for the first time what it was like to be helpless and trapped. It was exciting. It was different.
I can’t explain why rough sex and pain arouses me; it just does.
Before I had a legitimate porn agent, I heard about a website that paid well but was psychologically extreme. (I don’t want to give them any more publicity by using their name.)
I could handle it, I thought.
Honestly, when I arrived at the small studio in New York where I filmed my scene for a few hours — and after I signed away all my rights to claim any subsequent trauma that might arise from filming the scene — I thought that my decision to do a scene with this notoriously rough sex web site was daring, bad-ass, even subversive.
For me, it was an experiment of going to yet another scary sexual place — except I was in control, I was calling the shots and the safe words, and I was the one choosing to do something so psychologically and physically extreme, rather than someone taking advantage of me.
I love rough sex — and I can do this. That’s what I saw the choice as being.