Being Sean is hard. My days typically include trading stocks, talking to Whiteacre, battling evil anti porn henchman and most recently, dodging assassins. I try not to stir the pot and only jump in after it’s cooking. So when some noob asks me on twitter who my favorite porn girls are, I knew any answer I gave would upset someone.
This particular guy asked me if I liked Asa Akira but I didn’t answer. I only said i like 19 of the 25 or so girls Spiegs has on his roster and named a few that popped into my head and of course follow me. My thinking was if they saw it they would be happy and force sex on me next time I’m in LA. I never said i didn’t like Asa, i just didn’t answer. Since she doesn’t follow me, I assumed she wouldn’t see the tweet or even care. My train of thought is once they’re on TMZ they’re too big for TRPWL. Apparently, I couldn’t be more wrong.
After a long day of dodging assassins my phone rings, caller ID says Mark S. I debate answering since he normally only calls me when the top secret bag of gold around his neck gets so heavy he falls over. Jessie Andrews gave him one of those necklaces with the help button for when he’s fallen and can’t get up. Maybe the battery is low and the bag of gold is cutting off his air flow. Do I wanna be the guy who let Spiegler die? Even though there’s some irony in his bag of gold being his demise, I took the call.
Sean, why do you hate Asa ? WTF Who said that? and of course I hear uncontrollable sobbing in the background. Mark, when did I say that? You said it on twitter last night. Here Asa wants to talk to you.
What followed can only be described as one of the saddest moments in my life, more sad then those Sarah McLachlan save the dog ads, sadder then when the dude died in Titanic, even sadder then Miami Vice going off the air. She wanted to know why I liked Chanel Preston more then her? She starting rambling about how she won best anal and it was all because of me. How I was the wind beneath her wings. Stuff about getting married and something about Jessie Andrews bush. She basically made me feel so bad that soon I was crying and telling her how sorry I was and mumbling about Jessie Andrews’ bush. I promised her she would always be in my top 5 and she was ok with that.
My top 5 have no order, they are just my top 5. Asa Akira is now and always will be in my top 5. Not because she called me crying and threatened to step in front of Spiegle’rs truck when he’s trying to get to the bank, but because of this ass.
And the fact that if she wants she can grow a phenomenal bush