Over the course of the last year, several girls have reported being assaulted by Lily Cade. After we posted about it last week, Lily left 2 comments here on TRPWL…
Below is the second one:
I’m sorry, everyone. I have let you all down.
I’ve always hooked up with girls at porn parties and conventions, frequently on camera, in front of witnesses. I did this because I thought it was wanted, and that girls enjoyed it. The cameras enjoyed it, anyway. It was an organic thing at first. I did it before I was even really in porn and was a piece of how I got in. As the years wore on, I started to feel obligated to do it. It was my “thing”. The cameras would follow me around and I would get up to my usual hijinks. I tweeted about this. I posted pictures on social media. I didn’t conceptualize any of this as assualt, or I wouldn’t have done it much less promoted it.
Eventually, I started to hear complaints, through the grapevine. No one said anything to my face, but people complained to each other, and eventually it made it’s way to me without names or details that some girls didn’t appreciate the bathroom trips. I felt thrown, because I had thought of these as mutually pleasurable activities. My thinking was warped – I thought I was so good at reading people that I could tell when girls wanted it. I lived to get girls off. I thought of myself as being a good person. I wanted to stand for sexual freedom, not sexual coercion. I thought was on the side of the light. I have failed.
I’m deeply embarrassed by these revelations. I did not want to be evil. I remember the incidents with Jasmine Summers, Honey Gold and Maren. I misread the situations so completely that it came as a shock to me that these girls experienced them as assaults. I was aware of some situations where I’d crossed lines, but I didn’t know that these were among them. I didn’t know they felt violated by me. I feel gross about it. I feel stupid. I tweeted about all of these girls, posting photos of Honey and video of Maren. I gave them my number afterwards. I wasn’t ashamed about this, because I didn’t think there was anything to be ashamed of.
I feel ashamed now. I thought that that girls went along with me because they enjoyed it, but they did it because they felt like they couldn’t say no. I thought it was all in fun, but it wasn’t. I played a sexual predator in movies, but it was supposed to be tongue in cheek. I thought of myself as someone who helped girls in the business, not preyed on them. I thought of myself as an artist, not a monster. On the same party bus where Maren says I ruined her Exxotica, I shoved Ron Jeremy for refusing to back off from trying to get in some lesbian action. At another party, I broke Max Hardcore’s nose. I thought I was better than porn’s serial gropers, but I guess I was just the female of the species.
I’m deeply sorry for the way that I made these girls feel. I’m sorry to anyone I have hurt. I engaged in so much “partying” – I don’t know how much of it was ok and how much of it was damaging. I knew I had gotten lost in my persona and had been taking steps to come out of it and get treatment for my mental health. I had already stopped the substance use and the public sex, but it was too late. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I can’t take it back, and I don’t expect to be forgiven. I’m seeing a lot of warnings about staying away from me. You don’t have to stay away from me. I will be staying away. I will not be attending the award shows this season. You have nothing more to fear from me. This “party” is over.
If you have been harmed by me and wish to talk to me about it, I am here to listen and make amends if possible. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org