Introducing Lubben Lops —
Criminal organizations have to change with the times.
Those organizations that are able to keep up with new laws, and who can repackage their felonious ways, are usually able to prosper. Everyone knows the garbage industry is a mob controlled business, but organized crime always finds a way to stay ahead of the curve and keep the profits coming.
Compare that to the one hit wonders of crime — the guys who for a brief time could slip in some tainted dice in a craps table, the guy who could drop a washer in a slot and win, or the ex porn talent who found a way to scam grandma out of thousands by making up stories about porn performers.
Suddenly you can no longer drop weighted dice on the craps table… what do you do? Do you find another way? Or do you continue to try and sneak those dice in??
This is the quandary that faced Shelley Lubben and the Pink Cross Foundation. Lubben was scamming her way to a nice chunk of change until Michael Whiteacre came along.
Once Whiteacre teamed up with TRPWL, Lubben’s stealing slowed to a trickle. Her reputed $60,000 pool renovation hinged on how much she could scam out of the IRS — the wrong deduction and she could kiss her private backyard beach goodbye.
So what does Lubben do to stay ahead of the devil man and the TRPWL task force? The same thing any legit criminal enterprise does: she starts hawking bunnies.
Don’t laugh… Remember that part in the movie Goodfellas where De Niro was talking about smuggling bunnies into USA? The Lufthansa heist was an accident. They went were at the airport looking for bunnies and came across 7 million bucks.
These aren’t just ordinary bunnies though. These unfortunate creatures are disease free. Lubben prayed away all the bunnies’ medical issues, then, as if Shelley Lubben swinging her 8ft staff around the back yard wasn’t enough, she brought in Mike South, who used his special powers to make sure these bunnies were free of all STDs.
An old farmer emailed South about a antibiotic-resistant strain of Bunny Gonorrhea floating around and South wasn’t taking any chances. Sure, these bunnies fuck like rabbits, but thanks to South and Lubben they’re all clear. He swabbed their bunny mouths for rabbit HIV, then massaged their bunny ears to make sure they didn’t have Hep C.
After that, using an old hillbilly dance, he was able to make sure none of the bunnies were infected with Super Bunny Gonorrhea. South used the Mike South vouching system to clear the ones who wouldn’t dance along with him.
Sadly, the bunnies Lubben killed while swinging around her 8ft staff couldn’t be brought back to life. I did hear that Lubben has reached out to Monica Foster who claims to be able to bring things back to life..however, the jury is still out on that one…
TRPWL isn’t here to bash underground bunny rings, though. I’m here to help Lubben promote the illegal selling of bunnies. Whiteacre says he feels sorry for the bunnies, but I’m pretty sure these cute creatures are not damaged mentally and are in fine spirits.
Life at the Lubbens’ is probably a bunny heaven. Yeah, I know she’s running low on cash, the scams aren’t working like they used to… Even with Garrett Lubben losing his job in 2012, trust me when I say these bunnies are safe..
That said, if a bunny ate Shelley’s pills or drank her last beer, that bunny may have issues.. Garrett wakes up one morning and goes looking for Shelley, finds her in the back yard with bunny fur in her lip and bunny blood on her nipple.
Garrett asks Shelley, why do you have blood on your nipple? Shelley responds with, “That’s my clavicle not my nipple you dummy. Now, Yahweh commands you to go inside and make me some Hosenfefer!”
Shelley Lubben selling bunnies is a can’t miss money making endeavor…
Customer: Hi, I’d like to buy a bunny.
Lubben: Sure I’ll be right over.
Customer: How much is the bunny?
Lubben:. Well, the bunny is 25 bucks, but after the Pink Cross tax it’s 750 bucks cash. We add a a pool tax, traveling tax, new boob tax…someone has to pay for my family’s iPhones tax, kids private school tax, wine tax..
Customer: 750 bucks ? That can’t be right
Lubben: I’m sorry you’re right. It’s $875, I forgot the I need to some more 8ft staffs tax, I still can’t get Garrett’s rectal blood off of my old ones.
Customer: Wait, you’re gonna charge me 875 bucks for a 25 dollar bunny?
Lubben: Did I say 875? I meant an even 1000. There’s a legal defense fund I’ve set up for when the IRS indicts me. But hey, don’t worry, that 1000 bucks is tax deductible, plus, did you know that 1,987 pornstars have committed suicide In the last 6 months? Let’s pray!
Good thing Lubben found a way to adapt.