Below is an excerpt from The BakersFieldCalifornian:
We’re not sure exactly why, but the December issue of Men’s Health magazine ranks Bakersfield as America’s drunkest city.
“It sounds like a Merle Haggard song: Blue collars, beer, and bad decisions. But that’s business as usual in Bakersfield, California, home of great country music — and a collective boozy breath that blows it to the top of America’s most dangerously drunk cities,” the magazine said.
I’m pretty sure most of you know that I’m an award winning journalist… some would call me a legend. I along with my news team don’t shy away from controversy, and are what the French call “truth seekers and cool guys.”
After reading that report we started digging, and Wit hacked into the Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control for the State of California. She pulled sales records for every licensed alcohol vendor in the state. Bosco then took the information and uploaded it into our super cool information-breaking-down computer, and he came up with the following fact:
Bakersfield California sold more alcoholic beverages per square mile then Sacramento, San Francisco and Los Angeles combined.
This blew my mind — we’re talking a town with a population of 359,000 people vs 3 cities with a combined population of roughly 5.2 million. Surely this can’t be right? There’s only one way to double check the math done by a computer: I needed a Jew. I called Whiteacre — he’s the only Jew I know who apologized for the Jews killing of Christ — and after doing some complicated equations on the wall of his money cave he confirmed the numbers.
As we looked over the alcohol sales numbers for Bakersfield we came across a staggering piece of intel: One particular liquor store sold 6 times more alcohol than the average store.
That store is: JJ Liquor
14055 Rosedale Hwy.
I decided to call JJ’s, after a few tries I was finally was able to get someone on the phone. When asked how they were able to outsell all other vendors 6 to 1, an employee told me “We have great deals and a very small but loyal customer base who live close and shop daily”
Then like a tweet from a fake twitter account it hit me, BANG POW BOOM, Shelley Lubben lives approximately a mile from JJ’s liquor store…Could Shelley Lubben be the reason Bakersfield California is the drunkest city in the whole world? I’ll let you decide.
Post was proof read by Dr. Cindi Spiegler